I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
