Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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