What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
