Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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