Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
