Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize