if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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