I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
