you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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