My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize