a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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