Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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