Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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