I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
