apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
