Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
