Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
