On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You're like the curious george of whores
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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