i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize