Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
