there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
