I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
