Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
