well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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