My hand turned me down
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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