I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
