Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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