I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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