i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
