That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dicks are not precious.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
