The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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