found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
