she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize
