Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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