Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's blow job season.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
