just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize