If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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