that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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