I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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