I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize