ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I've blown a few things in my day
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
