Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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