hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
