I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
