Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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