Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just blew my weed a kiss
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize