If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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