I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Non-Jews are for practice
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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