i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
