I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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