there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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