today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
