I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The adults are the big ones right?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
