the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
