You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
