I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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