Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
