we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
