i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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