why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
But theres a keg here and me gusta
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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